Monday, May 10, 2021

Maybe our best days come from our worst

I thought I was doing well and that all of my crazy thoughts I’ve said over and over to myself in the past were gone.

“You’re worthless”

“You don’t deserve the be happy”

“You’ll never find a man who loves you”

Yet, here they are…back in FULL force.

I’ve always found it extremely difficult to love myself, and I’ve always treated myself worse than anyone else ever could. I thought I was good. I thought all of those terrible thoughts about myself would never come back, but that’s just not how life works.

After working extremely hard over the last two months, I’ve lost 50-pounds. I was doing so well physically AND mentally. I convinced myself I was happy and that I was heading in the right direction. But yesterday, all of that changed.

It was Mother’s Day. My mom is still here, but after being diagnosed with Dementia, life has not been the same. She used to be my person. I would call her when something exciting happened, and I would crawl in bed with her when it was all falling apart. I don’t have that anymore. Over the past three years, I’ve had to learn different ways to cope with my problems and new ways to celebrate each success, but it has been hard.

I’ve also had a problem equating my worth to whether or not I have a significant other. Generally, I am fine being single, and sometimes I even enjoy it. But, every now and then, when a guy ghosts me or I have no prospects, it makes me spiral into a black hole of loneliness.

I find myself frequently saying “I don’t have a person” since my mom got sick. And, I don’t. I don’t have one person I call when I get good news, and I don’t have one person whose arms I can’t wait to jump into after a hard day. And you know what? That is totally and completely okay.

As a matter of fact, I have tons of people I can run to when I get upset. I have tons of people who support me and support every single pound I lose. I have tons of people who wish they could take any pain I have away, and I have tons of people who have picked me up off the ground and forced me to look at myself and realize that I am worth it.

And it’s days like these, where I am rescued from the black hole that is depression, that I realize that I am so lucky and fortunate to have everyone in my life that I do. I don’t need ONE person. I need them all, and I am so thankful to have such wonderful friends and family in my life. They are the ones who show me that I am doing amazing things, and that I am an amazing person, contrary to what I sometimes may think.

I’ve always said that my best workout days are the days I don’t feel like exercising. Maybe that applies to life, too. Maybe our best days come from our worst. After all, the sun shines brighter after the darkest storms. All I know is that I have to keep going and work on myself, mentally and physically. This is the year of Kara. I refuse to give up because I know if I even tried, if I even came close, that I would have so many people in my corner who wouldn’t allow it. And even though it will take time and patience, one of those people is going to be me. 



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