I’m not hungry. Yet, I’m sitting here doing everything I can to not walk in the kitchen and stuff my face. Food addiction is real, man.
I used to eat when I was bored, angry, sad, happy, you name the emotion, and I was eating to satisfy it. It scares me. It scares me that after so much hard work, I still have to battle this addiction.
Some people don’t believe in food addiction. They look at morbidly obese people and think they’re lazy or weak. And yes, part of that is true. However, there is so much behind the scenes that you don’t see.
An alcoholic doesn’t have to drink. A drug addict doesn’t have to do drugs. But, you HAVE to eat. This addiction is something you have to face three times per day.
Food has always been there for me. When humans let me down, food didn’t. Food was there through depression and celebrations, and it made me so happy. But the happiness didn’t last. When the good feelings I got from food were gone, the guilt set in. And I have finally realized that the one thing that has comforted me my entire life, is also what was killing me.
The struggle is real, and although I have had major success over the last few months, I would be lying if I said I wasn’t terrified. I’m terrified I will fall into my old habits and let food re-take control over my life.
No matter what happens, no matter who enters or leaves my life, I have to stay in control. I have to tell myself that I am the most important person in my life and make that all-important decision. I have to decide day, after day, after day, to put my health first.
I will not fail. I know this because I’m not doing it for anyone else this time. Not for the people who asked “Are you going to stick with it this time?” or “Should you be eating that?” But, for me, and only me.
It’s soooo hard, but I know that I will continue to fight with everything in me. Because after all, I am the most important person in my life.