Wednesday, May 12, 2021

Decisions

Nothing worth having comes easily. It takes strength, dedication, and perseverance to get what you want. I can promise you, that after years and years of trying it myself, wishing will get you nowhere. I always said that there was a switch in my brain that needed to turn on in order for me to start losing weight, but as I get deeper and deeper into this journey, I realize that’s not true.

It’s all about making decisions; decision, after decision, after decision. You have to wake up and decide that you’re going to change your life. If you haven’t decided, you’re not ready, and that’s okay. But if you are ready, get ready to make some difficult choices. Decide that you’re tired of the way you are and want to change. Decide that you’re going to prioritize your health over everything else. Once you make the first decision, the next one gets a little easier.

I decided I was done. I was so tired of being tired and waking up every morning with nothing exciting to look forward to.  I was sick of back pain, sick of knee pain, and I was sick of feeling like my lungs were going to collapse if I had to park any farther than the first few spots in the parking lot at Walmart. I didn’t enjoy the embarrassment of purposely arriving early at a restaurant before my friends to request a table because I couldn’t fit in a booth. I had to order slip-on tennis shoes from Amazon because I could no longer bend over to tie my shoelaces, and I had to forget even trying to sit down at an outdoor event because I knew I would break the chair.

I’ve lost 50-pounds so far, with about 150 more to go before I reach my ultimate goal. Some of the thoughts above still race through my head, but I’m working on that. I’m working on being kinder to myself. My life is slowly changing before my eyes, and although some of those decisions I was telling you about may be hard to make, I promise you each and every single one is worth it. It seems like I have something new and exciting happening every day, whether that be noticing my reflection changing in the mirror, the number on the scale going down, or somehow finding a new way to love myself just a little bit more.   

Each day is not easy, but I have decided that being happy is easier than being sad and miserable. I have to decide that every day, and sometimes it’s super hard, but I have finally decided to put myself first, and I am so excited to see what happens when I don’t give up!


Monday, May 10, 2021

Maybe our best days come from our worst

I thought I was doing well and that all of my crazy thoughts I’ve said over and over to myself in the past were gone.

“You’re worthless”

“You don’t deserve the be happy”

“You’ll never find a man who loves you”

Yet, here they are…back in FULL force.

I’ve always found it extremely difficult to love myself, and I’ve always treated myself worse than anyone else ever could. I thought I was good. I thought all of those terrible thoughts about myself would never come back, but that’s just not how life works.

After working extremely hard over the last two months, I’ve lost 50-pounds. I was doing so well physically AND mentally. I convinced myself I was happy and that I was heading in the right direction. But yesterday, all of that changed.

It was Mother’s Day. My mom is still here, but after being diagnosed with Dementia, life has not been the same. She used to be my person. I would call her when something exciting happened, and I would crawl in bed with her when it was all falling apart. I don’t have that anymore. Over the past three years, I’ve had to learn different ways to cope with my problems and new ways to celebrate each success, but it has been hard.

I’ve also had a problem equating my worth to whether or not I have a significant other. Generally, I am fine being single, and sometimes I even enjoy it. But, every now and then, when a guy ghosts me or I have no prospects, it makes me spiral into a black hole of loneliness.

I find myself frequently saying “I don’t have a person” since my mom got sick. And, I don’t. I don’t have one person I call when I get good news, and I don’t have one person whose arms I can’t wait to jump into after a hard day. And you know what? That is totally and completely okay.

As a matter of fact, I have tons of people I can run to when I get upset. I have tons of people who support me and support every single pound I lose. I have tons of people who wish they could take any pain I have away, and I have tons of people who have picked me up off the ground and forced me to look at myself and realize that I am worth it.

And it’s days like these, where I am rescued from the black hole that is depression, that I realize that I am so lucky and fortunate to have everyone in my life that I do. I don’t need ONE person. I need them all, and I am so thankful to have such wonderful friends and family in my life. They are the ones who show me that I am doing amazing things, and that I am an amazing person, contrary to what I sometimes may think.

I’ve always said that my best workout days are the days I don’t feel like exercising. Maybe that applies to life, too. Maybe our best days come from our worst. After all, the sun shines brighter after the darkest storms. All I know is that I have to keep going and work on myself, mentally and physically. This is the year of Kara. I refuse to give up because I know if I even tried, if I even came close, that I would have so many people in my corner who wouldn’t allow it. And even though it will take time and patience, one of those people is going to be me. 



Thursday, April 1, 2021

Change is Scary

I saw this quote, and I have been thinking about it alllll day:

“Never let fear decide your future.”

I was scared. I was scared I was going to try again and fail, just like I’ve done 100 times. Changing your life, no matter in what aspect, is so, so scary. You take everything you’re content with and familiar with and throw it all out the window. You’re left facing new and strange things you may have faced before, or maybe not. You’re out of your bubble, and for most of us, that is a very uncomfortable place

My bubble consisted of eating, smoking pot, and being sedentary. Since the pandemic started, I became a huge fan of DoorDash. I would order food two, sometimes three times per day. Not only did that make for a giant pit in my wallet, but it caused me not to be able to even walk out to the sidewalk in front of my house without getting winded. I was addicted. Sure, it made me feel great for the 10 minutes I was consuming the delicious greasiness, but when I finished, I was miserable again.

Aside from the terrible eating I was doing, I was also smoking pot. Every day. I thought it was something I needed to escape from the anxiety I had over real life. It seemed to be keeping me together when I felt like coming unglued, but the truth is, smoking made it worse. If I went too long without smoking, I became irritable. Do I even need to talk about how badly it gave me the munchies? And by “munchies,” I mean I would have a full-blown meal or two after I ate dinner.

The pot not only made me hungry, but it made me lazy af. All I wanted to do after was eat and watch TV. The thought of exercising didn’t even cross my mind when I was high. In fact, my thoughts and actions were the total opposite, which is one reason why I ordered food so much. I didn’t even want to walk to my car to go get anything.

I finally became so sick of everything. I was so tired of being tired, and so sick of being addicted to food, smoking, and being lazy. I was so overwhelmed thinking I had to stop everything at once that I sought advice from my doctor.

After discussing my options for shedding a serious number of pounds (my goal is to lose a total of 200), my doctor and I decided for me to try phentermine. Phentermine is an amphetamine-like prescription medication used to suppress appetite. It aids with weight loss by decreasing your hunger. But, guess what? In order to take the medication, the patient has to take regular drug tests.

It wasn’t even a question for me anymore. I told my doctor I was going to quit smoking pot, and the next day, I did. I also started taking the pills and suddenly noticed that even when I would get hungry, food wasn’t constantly on my mind. I know there is no such thing as a “miracle pill,” but phentermine has helped majorly with my food addiction, and for that, I am so grateful.

Like I said, the pill won’t do all of the work for you. You can’t just take the pill, eat the same terrible diet, and not exercise like we all wish for! I have been eating at a calorie deficit and fasting for 16 hours each day. I have also made it a priority to get in about 20-30 minutes of exercise six days per week.

I’m almost a month into changing my habits, and I am so proud to say I have lost 30 pounds! Am I nervous to eventually go off the medication? Yes. But, I believe with the strength and will power I possess, I will be successful long after the meds are out of my system.

I have a long road to go because honestly, the road never ends. And yes, taking the first few steps down that road is scary, but don’t let that fear cripple you. Being healthy is a lifetime commitment and doesn’t end when you reach your goal. My new goal is to be healthy for the rest of my life, not just to get down to 175 pounds. I can’t wait to keep you all updated on my progress!



Tuesday, February 11, 2020

I Need to Respect Myself

It’s been a few months since I’ve blogged about my life and weight loss, or lack thereof. In these past few months, a lot has changed! I started a new job, bought my first home, and adopted a new fur baby!

I’ve always been one of those who worries about everything and looks at things negatively. I always think “If I get this or that, I will be so much happier!” So, you would think I’d be super duper happy with all of the great new additions to my life. I am happy. However, something is missing, and that something is loving myself and treating my body the way it deserves.

I am miserably fat. I am the biggest I have ever been in my life. You’d think I’d learn after going through cycles of losing and gaining 20, 50, and even 100 pounds at a time. But, I haven’t. One thing I have learned throughout my life, and especially over the last few years, is that working to be healthy makes me so damn happy. So, why do I stop? Why don’t I start? Why don’t I stick with it?

I always see and share inspirational quotes on Instagram thinking that might somehow give me the motivation I’m desperately seeking. Quotes like “When you feel like quitting, think about why you started” and “Every new day is a chance to change your life.” These are great words to live by, but they’re not enough for me. Reading words on a screen is not going to make my brain change the way it thinks.

One quote that does always come to mind when I get sad about my life or think about how much work is ahead of me and how much weight I have to lose, and that is “Be happy now, without reason – or you will never be at all.” OMG. So true, right? Instead of thinking about how long it will take me to lose the 200 pounds I want to lose, I need to be happy with the small victories.

I need to most of all be happy with the non-scale victories. Like the fact that I can take the steps up to work without almost dying or the fact that I actually brought my lunch  today instead of grabbing fast food. Don’t get me wrong, seeing the number on the scale go down makes me unbelievably proud of myself, but I am not just a number.


So, motivation is not what I’m lacking here. I have the motivation in me. I am lacking respect for myself, and that has to change. Motivation only gets you so far. It’s all about making conscious decisions and realizing that this whole thing is about life, not just weight. I need to do what makes me happy and what keeps me healthy and stop focusing on how much work is ahead of me. Because we are all a work in progress, and that never stops, even once the fat is gone.


Tuesday, October 22, 2019

Another day, another weight loss journey

I'm tired of my usual post stating how "I'm back" and how I'm really going to stick with it for life this time. I get on here every few months spewing my guts with the same 'ole story about how I'm finally going to change for good, because it's simply not true.

For those of you that are familiar with this little-known blog, you know I've battled my weight my entire life. I'll go a few months being super motivated, lose 50 pounds and gain 60 back. Then, I just stop. I give in to temptation, and I give up on myself. 

For the last few weeks, I haven't given up. I can say this time is different, but to be honest, I don't know that it is. I want it to be, yes, but I can't promise. It's easy to stay motivated in the beginning. 

The truth is, this isn't a short journey for me. This is my life. Yes, I want to lose a significant amount of weight, but the last few months have taught me that it's more about my health than anything. I want to be around to meet my future husband and child(ren), if that's what's in the cards for me. I want to be around to see my truest self, my greatest self, and what the next 32 years will bring.

This is hard to admit, but I got to my heaviest weight ever just a few short weeks ago. I could barely even tie my shoes, my feet were swelling frequently, and I had more anxiety going to restaurants than ever. It's so embarrassing asking for a table because you're not sure you can fit in a booth.

Fast-forward three weeks. Although I haven't lost a ton in this short amount of time, I have felt the weight loss in the form of more energy, being able to do more at the gym, and not stopping as frequently when taking the stairs. 

It feels great, but I know it will come to a point where I just want to give up, but I'm going to try with everything in me not to. It's not about the number on the scale. It's about actually trying to survive life at this point. I can't give up. I am going to keep telling myself that one small decision can change my life, and one small mistake can ruin it. Ten minutes of pleasureful eating is not worth gaining 5 pounds, nor is it worth losing to a life that makes me so incredibly happy.