Thursday, November 26, 2015

Is it Too Late Now to Say "Sorry?"

Well, for about the third time; I’m back! But first, I must apologize. This blog turned into something I didn’t want it to turn into. I was supposed to blog about the good AND the bad. I was supposed to share all of my struggles with you, not just the ones I was comfortable sharing. Weight loss is a battle, and I failed to share with you all one of my strongest battles yet.

When I moved back to Lexington at the beginning of 2015, I let myself get sidetracked. I failed to be the strong person I became and essentially gave up on my weight loss journey. That wasn’t supposed to happen, but it did, and now I’m suffering the consequences. Since losing all motivation last year, I gained 50 pounds, which was half of what I lost. 

After having a few days where my motivation was high, I couldn’t get back on the weight loss train long-term. I found myself sitting on the couch and eating whatever I wanted. Sure, I enjoyed all of the delicious, fattening food in the moment, but afterwards, it made me feel terrible. It showed me that I didn’t get down to the root of why I’ve struggled with weight my entire life. Not doing that makes it impossible to succeed.

Now, it is time to face the not-so-beautiful music. I have battled depression and anxiety for as long as I’ve battled my weight. I’ve always turned to food when I get upset. I used it as a security blanket, and when life didn’t make me happy, food did. It’s ironic how gaining weight made me more depressed, but in an attempt to make myself feel better, I would just gain more.

While in the midst of fighting my depression last December, something I thought I would never be privy to occurred. My uncle shot and killed himself. His death devastated our family and left us with so many questions that would never be answered. Why did he do it? Could we have done more to help? Why wasn’t our love enough? Why wasn’t life enough?

A couple of months after his death, I lost another uncle and a cousin. I was mad at God, and I didn’t understand why He would allow these things to happen. After these deaths, my depression was at an all-time high. I binged on food more than ever. Food understood me when I felt like God didn’t. 

After losing the zombie feeling I had for such a long time, I realized it was time to seek help. It was time to find comfort in family, friends, and myself; not in food. Although I still think about those family members every day, I have found peace.

Now that I have found the peace I so desperately needed, it’s time to get back on track. I am sad I gained the weight back, but let’s be honest- It’s not the end of the world. What disappoints me more is that I was not honest with you all. Running away and forgetting what this blog is about was not fair to you or myself. I was and always will be an advocate for keeping a personal diary throughout your journey. It helped me immensely, not just because I could go back and look at my accomplishments and failures and learn from them, but because I found support from all of you. 

I am looking forward to getting back on this journey (-14 lbs so far), and I can’t wait to see what life has in store.

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