Tuesday, May 12, 2015

Dear Mr. Online Dater

Dear Mr. Online Dater,

I'm writing you with a simple purpose. That purpose being to find out what exactly it is you want me to do or even who you expect me to be.

When you make initial contact with a message containing only the word “tasty,” should I not have asked you if you had just eaten dinner?

When I tell you I'm going to shower, is it okay to respond “no” after you ask me if I need help? Or should I have just laughed it off when you told me I should learn how to take a cute, funny joke?

When your fifth message to me asks if I will send you a picture of my boobs, should I hesitantly take one and edit it in Photoshop to make them bigger? If I refuse, you'll call me a prude and tell me “it's what adults do.”

When you tell me that you're single and I ask when you got a divorce, am I supposed to accept your request for a date when you tell me you're not “technically” divorced but that you're over the marriage? What should I do when you post a picture on Facebook two hours before that says “Share this if you're married to your best friend?”

When you message me only to say “Thanks, I just masturbated to your picture,” am I supposed to be flattered?

When you send me five messages within an hour without a response because I'm simply busy, should I send the thumbs up emoji after you call me an egotistical bitch?

When we text and talk on the phone daily for two weeks, and then you disappear without a word, should I not expect a simple “I'm just not that into you?”

When you tell me that you switch between living with your mom and your brother only to confess an hour later than you are actually homeless, does it make me a total bitch for wondering why you lied or why you prioritize having a smart phone over having a home?

When you say “If you were mine, I'd paint you green and spank you like a disobedient avocado,” is it wrong if my face turns red?

When you ask me for a picture to be assured that I am who I claim to be, and then ask me for a full body pic after I send you a selfie, should I run to the tanning bed, throw on a bikini, and set my photo timer?

When you message me at 3:07 AM, saying “Hey sexy...you 'd look great in my bed right now,” am I not allowed wake up from my deep sleep before having to work five hours later only to tell you that sleeping at 3 AM on a Tuesday night is what normal adults do?

When I tell you that I sometimes feel that most guys are assholes, is it really necessary for me to defend myself after you ask me “why?”


Eh, you might as well choose the name.


  1. Guys are pigs. If it weren't for sexuality, straight men should date each other. At least they'd be amused by each other's perversion.

    1. The thing that gets me is when they call you names and berate you for not accepting their advances!


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