Today has been one of those days. My mind has been on all of the "Felicias" in my life. For those of you unfamiliar with who or what Felicia is, it's a name all the cool kids use these days to describe an insignificant person they could care less about.
I waste too much of my time thinking about people who don't really matter; people who aren't permanent fixtures in my life. I often find myself wondering why bad people seem to get ahead and win the race, and good people seem to struggle and finish last.
I also tend to waste a lot of time worrying about things I think are real problems, but in all reality, are just bumps in the road. I worry about advancing my career, making more money, buying a house, finding my soul mate, and losing the people I love. Sure, those are all important things in anyone's life, but worrying about them won't get you anywhere.
While I was on my run tonight, I wanted to stop many, many times. Even though I was extremely tired and sweat was pouring into my eyes, I didn't stop. If I stopped, I knew that would make it worse. I knew that stopping meant opening the door to a flood of self-doubt.
Then I realized the same applies to life. No matter how much our minds can create problems and worry about what's to come, we can't stop. We can't let our brains cast a dark cloud over reality. Just because you worry about it doesn't mean it's really a problem, or that it will ever be a problem.
As many times as I've been congratulated and supported through my 55-pound weight loss, I still struggle to be proud of myself. Even while comparing before and after pictures side-by-side, it's still hard for me to see. Maybe it's because I'm still early in this journey, or maybe it's because like everyone else, I let other things get in the way.
As much as I want to be successful, buy a house, get married, and one day start a family, I have to stop and realize that maybe I am exactly where I need to be. I need to focus on myself first. Will I ever figure out this thing called life? No. Will I ever stop chasing happiness and find it exactly where I am? That's the goal! I'm not there yet, but I am getting closer every single day.
I didn't start this blog to become some sort of guru and give advice and words of wisdom to others. I started it so that when I do become everything I am supposed to be, I will remember how it felt to be lost. One thing I do know is that I will look back and wonder why I couldn't find myself sooner. But, who knows? Maybe I already am who I'm supposed to be, and that sometimes I may have to take the back roads instead of the highway to get to where I want to be.
I think it's time to let go of the things I really want for myself, and instead focus on the one thing I really need. So, I'll start doing exactly that. I'll slowly stop worrying about my future job, my future husband, the haters in my life, and the rest of my "problems" and focus on where and who I am right now. In order to begin, I'm just going to have to shove those petty, insignificant things aside and say "Bye Felicia!"
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