Okay, so I can't even believe I'm admitting this to the world, or at least to the few people that decide to read my blog. :)
I am on a dating web site. Yes, you read correctly, a dating site. Not only am I on one, but I am on a FREE dating site. Not saying that dating sites you pay for are any better, because I wouldn't know, but I am assuming both have their fair share of creepers, married men, and uneducated ass holes.
I first became a member of the site about five years ago to cure my boredom, and because even though I was only 22, I thought I was going to be alone forever. I actually had a couple of good dates, but in the end, nothing came of them. After being on the site for about 4 years on and off (how embarrassing), I was getting ready to go on a date with a guy I had been texting for a few weeks. Yes, did you know that "texting" is now a phase of dating? Anyway, on my way to go see him (about a
30-minute drive), he texts me and tells me he fell and had to go to the hospital. I do have to give him credit though, because he sent me a picture of his hospital bracelet, so he was either being honest or he was a superb Photoshopper. So, a little while later, he texts me and says he has an "assist on his brain." I'm assuming he meant "cyst," but whatever.
I realize I narrowly avoided potentially being with a strange, not-so-smart fellow, but the point of that story, was to get to the point that on that night, the night I was ditched, I met a nice guy who I would end up being with for a year. He wasn't for me, but that's a whole other story!
After our break-up, I reluctantly got back on the dating site. I didn't get back on it because I'm one of those people that has to be in a relationship to survive. Trust me, I was basically single for over 10 years before meeting my last boyfriend. So why did I even get back on the site? I guess I just missed having someone around all the time.
This time around, it's an entirely different ball game. I'm not sure if it's the fact I've gained 50lbs since I was last on it, and I'm just attracting different type of guys or what. I haven't had a great (or even good) experience yet, and I've been back on for about two months. I could literally message 50 guys and not get a single reply. I always tend to get down on myself for it and believe it's only due to the way I look, which may or may not be the case.
One night, I was sitting at home with absolutely nothing to do, and I receive a message. This was really surprising, because that basically never happens. The guy had no pic on the site, but his profile was interesting (yes, I actually read the profiles), so I decided to message him back. After chatting for an hour or so, he sends me a picture, and he was pretty attractive, but don't let that make you think I discriminate and ignore unattractive guys, because I don't. So, we end up texting the rest of the evening, and I couldn't believe that a nice, let alone an attractive guy, was engaging in such awesome conversation with me. Until the next day...
He sends me a message and says he has something to tell me. OMG... nothing good EVER starts out with those words. He tells me he's married. Yes...MARRIED. So, being the raging woman I tend to be when someone pisses me off, I tell him to never "underestimate the power of reverse phone search and screen shots." I guess the years of watching "Catfish" finally paid off. After telling him I knew his real name and scaring the shit out of him, I decided to give it a rest.
After taking time to put that fiasco behind me, which took all of about five hours, I moved on. Fast forward to last night. A seemingly nice guy messages me. He seems to be a good guy, but so did the last one. We talked for a little while, and then I went to bed. This morning, he messages me again, so I guess I was a tiny bit excited. That is, until my lunch break. He asked me if I wanted him to send me a selfie. So I said "sure, why not?" This story basically ends with me telling him that he might "want to use the other hand in your pic next time. You know, the one that doesn't hold your wedding band!"
After getting back to work, I am in a horrible mood because yet again, I am believing that there are no good, monogamous men left in the world. Not even having been at work for five minutes, I receive another dating site message, but this time, it's from someone different. It was from a guy who messaged me about a couple months ago, but after I found out he was still married (yes, that makes guy #3), I stopped talking to him. So, what did his message say? Now keep in mind, I've lost almost 40 pounds since I've spoken to him- it said, "You've gained weight. How are you?" REALLY???
So, this is where I am. I'm left trying to believe people when they say things like "You won't be alone forever" and "There are still good guys out there." I keep trying to believe the fact that none of this has anything to do with how I look, but I can't help but keep thinking that it does. I am an intelligent, funny, outgoing woman who generally loves life, but smarts aside, I am always wondering why I'm not good enough.
When did we become so dependent on other people to find happiness? Luckily, I began this weight loss journey because of myself, not because of a man or anyone else. I just have to remember why I started. I started to get healthy, make myself a better person, and yes, to look better and feel better about myself. Forget all the jerks out there who feel the need to put other people down because of their own insecurities. Does calling someone fat, ugly, or using any other insult really make you feel better or improve your life?
Dating web sites are good for some people, but they obviously have no place in my life. Sure, some people meet their soul mate online, but 99% of people don't (don't let the Match.com commercials fool you). I think it's time I need to learn that if I am alone for the rest of my life, it won't be such a bad thing, because dammit, I am an awesome person to be with!