Saturday, April 26, 2014
2 pounds down... a lifetime to go.
I can't believe I'm back here. Back in a place where I don't know myself. Back in a place where I don't love myself. I've been here many times. So many times that it's hard to pinpoint the times when I truly, 100-percent loved myself. Don't get me wrong, I don't hate myself. I actually like myself. I believe I'm a good person, nice person, fun person, and sometimes even a crazy person (in a good way, of course). It's my casing. That's the part of me I do not like.
I'm starting this blog to help myself. This first post will probably be insanely long and boring, but it's simply an introduction. I have over 100 pounds to lose, and today is only the beginning.
Since around fifth grade, I have been overweight. Yes, I had my "skinny period" at a time in my life, but let's put that on the back burner for a second. I ask myself all the time how I started to become overweight as a child. My parents were, and still are, fabulous. My mom always cooked delicious meals that typically sat in the middle of the scale of healthy-to-fatty. My grandparents took my brother and I to McDonald's every Friday. No joke, every single one. They took us everywhere, and I really had an amazing childhood, but I was never really told "no," especially when it came to food.
After my grandpaw died, it was really hard. We really missed him terribly, and I keep coming back to wanting to believe that caused me to turn to food. For some reason, it just made me feel better. Even if it was temporarily.
Ok, so back to this time I was skinny. I got together with my first boyfriend at 14. I dated him for almost one year. Mid-relationship, something just changed. I never had fun with him anymore, and I was just 15. I wanted to be a teenager and have fun, not be tied down with someone I didn't even love. After ending that relationship, I put all focus on myself. I started Weight Watchers and got a membership at a church in downtown Lexington for $5 per month with my youth group. I quickly started to see the pounds disappear. I loved it. My friends and I would go to the gym all the time.
I started Weight Watchers at 189 pounds exactly. I'll always remember that number. I was mortified when I saw it on the scale. After going to the gym and counting my points, I quickly dropped around 30 pounds. Then, I dropped around 15 more. Everyone noticed, even my teachers. One even said, in a nice way, "Kara, you have lost enough weight." Seeing all the other barely 100 pound girls, watching MTV Spring Break, and idolizing Britney Spears, made me want to keep going.
I know it sounds like I was being very unhealthy, but I wasn't. I never went hungry. I knew how to be healthy, and that's what I was doing. I always ate all of my points, and then some. I went to the gym 4-6 times per week. Even though at this point, many of the people I had started the gym with had stopped going, I still went. It's not like I went for hours at a time. I probably was there for an hour, max.
No one ever called me Anorexic to my face, but a few years later, I'd show people past pictures of myself, and they would say I certainly looked like I wasn't eating back then. I gained weight in college. Probably due to all the beer, Jell-O shots, and fast food. When I started, I was around 115 pounds. I think having a fresh start gave me the motivation to lose the weight. Then, I got sucked into all of the parties, new restaurants, bars, and Greek life. I gained over 100 pounds throughout my college career. I guess getting caught up in life made my health take a back seat, and let me tell you, I haven't ridden shot gun in a LONG time.
That's my problem. Once I get the weight off, I give up. Then, I gain even more, throwing all of the hard work down the drain. But, why do I give up? I don't want to give up. At this point, I really can't give up. For the past few years, my life literally has not moved. Sure, I make a little more money, but in general, I am at the same place I started 5 years ago. The only thing that is different is that I'm possibly a little wiser, maybe a little stronger, and definitely significantly heavier.
I just got out of a year-long relationship. It's time to concentrate on myself again. I have to break my old habits. I have to change my life and realize why I became so unhealthy and never look back. Like my mom always says, "It's not a diet, it's a lifestyle change."
Sorry my first post was so lengthy, but this time I want to remember what it feels like to be this way. The first time I forgot, but the second you forget, it's over. I may even be the only person who ever reads this, but it's time to realize that I'm the most important. This time I'm going to remember, and although it may not mean much to you, it will really mean EVERYTHING to me. If you're as interested in how all of this is going to go as I am, stay tuned. Expect to be invited to a huge party when I reach my goal. It's going to be a long journey, but this time I know I have every single day to look forward to, and I am determined to make every single second better than the last.
at 7:55 PM